Part 5, almost bloody done, just one more next week and I'm free!
The BlockTales That Never Was!
TBTTNW! oozes with beautiful scenery.
If you are reading this, chances are, you are also a reader of the first ever fully fledged Lego webcomic (What a title...), Legostar Galactica. It never occurred to me at the age of eleven that maybe everyone does. That's how I somehow managed to spawn Sc-fiTales. The storyline was written down over many seasons, so it was a shame when I eventually canned TBTTNW! Now, 3 years later, the pilot of TBTTNWS!'s favourite son finally see's the light of day before it gets sued for plagiarism.
"My name is Admiral Marty Fyde, and The Alliance needs you! See this, the Starship Expertise Mk 5,"
"And it's captain, James T. Birk."
"Lieutenant Rudi J. Prentice,"
"Major Go T. E, Ensign Michael Bison, Ensign Joey Granger,"
"Chef B. Munch, Red Shirt, Medical Officer G. Lochs, Security Officer B. James, Engineering Officer S. Dovito,"
"Science Officer S. Guy,"
"T-SD-1, T-SD-2, T-SD-3,"
"And their Chameleon Droid, Skippy."
"They have great work-spaces like the Bridge,"
"The Engineering Deck,"
"The Mess Deck,"
"The Sick Bay,"
"And the Space Knight training room."
"If you want a life of action and adventure, join the Alliance Navy!"
"Prepare for lift-off,"
"Say, Captain, why is this the Expertise Mk 5? What happened to the other four?"
"Well, the first one melted from the heat of the engines..."
"The second one couldn't take off from too little heat..."
"The third one fell over and wrecked the starport..."
"And the last one fell into a black hole caused by it's engines."
That's all folks, tune in for the next edition, where we'll be looking at OtherTales and view the only episode of TBTTNW! ever made!
The abomination has been released! Fear the wrath of
The BlockTales That Never Was!
I can name at least 4 people in this picture who have been migrated to the current BlockTales...
19th May, 1999: The long awaited first prequel to Star Wars, The Phantom Menace, is released.
20th May, 1999: Prices in brain-bleach soar as the people try to rid themselves of Jar Jar Binks.
21st May, 1999: The Spring of Discontent begins as the last drop of the brain-bleach is used up.
Can you see where I'm going here? People don't like Jar Jar Binks
except Comic Book Guy I've even see people burning Jar Jar Binkses. Basically, since the 19th May 1999, killing Jar Jar has been very popular as a hate figure. That's why the idea of him dying repeatedly made it into TBTTNW! Yes, and I have the first 5 episodes completely intact. Here they are.
Jar Jar Binks says hello.
Jar Jar Binks sprouts a grey old robe.
Jar Jar Binks grows a beard.
That's meant to be a wheelchair by the way.
Jar Jar Binks dies of old age.
Jar Jar Binks is back again.
But the thingy of death quickly descends upon him.
He tries to run...
But there is no escaping the Overused Car of Doom.
Jar Jar Binks is crushed and a pair of legs makes it into the shot. Wasn't I professional...
Sigh... Jar Jar Binks is back...
He does what is meant to be walking but looks more like the moonwalk. Or maybe he's trying to turn his head.
Look. It's Norbert.
I remember this shot being really hard to do. God I sucked.
This was meant to be edited so that the dummy is engulfed in flame.
Horaay, it's Jar Jar Binks, waving his stupid little hand!
God, do you know how hard it is to pronounce asterisks? Anyway, Spontaneous Combustion.
Do you know what I go through for you, viewers?
"Hallo! Itsa atsa Guesta Starsa!" Oh god...
Basically, Jar Jar insults me for your viewing pleasure.
So he is erased from BlockWorld, which to be honest is a rather good way of ending a one off.
This time, he is meant to be a dummy.
There, I didn't know how painful that would actually be, but hopefully next time we'll have something better, I just hope Dusan Jeftenija isn't watching...
What is BlockTales? BlockTales is thin, BlockTales is beautiful, BlockTales goes anywhere and lasts all day. There's no right way or wrong way, it's crazy powerful, it's magical. You already know how to use it. It's 200 hundred thousand apps, (and counting). All the worlds websites in your hands. It's video, photos, more books than you could read in a lifetime. It's already a revolution, and it's only just begun.
The same cannot be said for
The cast of TBTTNW!, except only the main antagonists...
When I get a new set, it's not long before it is integrated into the metaphorical script. There was one set however, G678 - Knights' Kingdom Chess Set which has been used almost non-stop since purchase. Remember the Blue Knights in The Beginning? Remember the Blue Knights in The Warzone? The Blurans? Yeah, back in TBTTNW! there was a whole stand-a-lone comic for them? Yes, FantasyTales. Now, to show the extent of this overuse, I will show you the first five strips!
Now, I'll quickly set the scene:
In the far off land of Lotronia, all was unwell. There was a threat so big that it consisted of a whole
16 11men. Actually, scrap that, there was actually 8 men and 3 skeleton guys. Usually the skeletons work for some human necromancer or lich, but this time the 8 men worked for two skeletons with some actual armour and they in turn worked for some skeleton king guy. Yeah. But then, from their unbudgetable castle, the Blue Knights are the lands first (and probably last) hope. At the 64 chequered squares (Also known as the chessboard that they came with) the two armies meet.
This is what the Blue Troops look like. Remember that now.
This is what the Blue Knights look like. Remember that now.
This is there King. Remember that too, there may be a test at the end.
This is the entire force. Get ready for the punchline!
Hahaha... Wait, what? I don't get it.
This is what the 8 men look like. Yeah, they're all General Mark Lee. I've actually fitted this into a storyline for future BlockTales. Yeah, BlockTales has a story.
This is what the two Skeleton people (who don't really need that armour as much as their men) look like.
And this guy, he's either a foreign king or a misinformed necromancer.
This is them, in front of the infamous black wall of TBTTNW!
God, I've never actually realised how bad this was before. Probably 'cos this is the first time I've looked at it since filming.
I would annotate under the pictures but there's nothing to say. It's just badly posed minifigure-fighting.
OK, I've come across a problem. I don't actually have any more of the pictures it seems. Don't worry, all that happened was a few more dismemberments and a Blue Knight thought the NecroKing guy, eventually slashing his staff.
Be back next week when delve into the realms of DEATH. (Sorry, I'm a Terry Pratchett fan!)
Another week, another part of this documentary. What documentary? Why! It's...
Yes, that's meant to be Hitler singing a parody of the Dad's Army Theme Tune...
Now, BlockTales is hardly known for being serious. Who would want to tune into a webcomic or even a brickcomic that didn't even have any jokes, yet had no story either!?That's almost as bad as having a brickcomic with bad jokes and no story! That's another reason why TBTTNW! was canned. "Why?" you may ask, "Surely even TBTTNW! isn't supid enough to do that!" Well, in actual fact. There was actually 9 strips belonging to TBTTNW!, that I have only just remembered... It was called:
No, not BlrickFilms, these were individual movies made in brickcomic form. And although I did have some interesting ideas, such as Lady and the Tramp (a tramp being shot for kissing a baroness.) but then there was the first film. I have the first five strips here. The film in question?
A mafia boss and his bodyguard walk down a dark Gotham alley, complete with visible flooring...
Oh no! You're being mugged!
What part of Mafia Boss and his Bodyguard don't you understand?
And now, in a dramatic cliffhanger to the first strip, Batman is going to kill you...
And now we return for Episode 2, where they are being sniped by Batman, already in progress. God, it takes a while to pull triggers these days doesn't it...
But look! Another Batman is leaping to attack Sniper-Batman!
With all the moves Batman learnt from being a Ninja, you would think he could do better than a bellyflop...
Ah, that's the real Batman, it seems Sniper-Batman was one of those Hockey-Pad Batmen from The Dark Knight.
And as we see Episode 2 draw to a close, Batman prepares his dive.
Aaaand... we're back! Aaaand... Batman is still diving?
Good god! Not only can Batman breath in space, but he can walk on black walls whilst diving!
God, he's just gone and bellyflopped the Mafia boss, breaking nose and making him drop his umbrella and fish?
*Gasp!* It's Oswald Chesterfield Cobblepot! Soon to be known as, The Penguin!
Meanwhile, the bodyguard is looting the corpse of... You killed Troy! You Bastards!
The Bodyguard looks around and grins just like all Mafia bodyguards who are about to get pummelled.
And the fifth and final episode ends with the bodyguard going to shoot Batman.
I think the plot was actually as good as a 11-year-old could create a superhero/crime/thriller. Basically, after this little tussle, it cuts to The Joker in Arkham Asylum, talking to Dr Harleen Quinzen. It ends up with The Joker gassing Quinzen and seducing her. With his recently created sidekick, Harley Quinn, he breaks out Scarecrow and heads off to steal the corpse of Harvey Dent/Two-Face. Then, a CIA agent named Edward Nigma is kidnapped by The Joker because The Joker wants Catwoman to get away with her crimes. Edward Nigma goes insane when left with a book of riddles. Cobblepot goes to get his nose done after his tussle with The Batman and is intercepted by The Joker, who proceeds to botch Cobblepot's nose job because "Pinochio" should keep his nose in his own business. The Penguin wants vengeance against both Batman and the Joker. The kidnaps a ventriloquist and forces his to run a pirate news TV show featuring him and "Scarface", the corpse of Harvey Dent. Batman gets his own little Robin to help him and in the end, everyone hates The Joker, Batman uses the line: "I won't kill you, but I don't have to save you" and everyone beats the crap out of The Joker.
Now, I have to ask my 11-year-old self: "Why so serious?"
Tune in next week, same Bat-time, same Bat-channel!
By reading this post, you probably know what BlockTales is. The best comedy Brick-Comic that exists. Brilliant. But what was BlockTales before it was the masterpiece of today? Find out now in:
The BlockTales That Never Was!
It wasted many months of my time. But it never disappeared. I deleted it's original site (www.blocktales.webs.com) and even destroyed all the sets and characters. But still, engraved in history, was the pictures that belonged in the Recycle Bin. Now, I show you these pictures. Well, the ones I didn't get rid for being complete rubbish.
The budget of TBTTNW! was hardly large...
Now, before I tell you about TBTTNW!, I must tell you a story. I had never heard of scheduled pre-posting (although I just made that name up) which is actually how I post BlockTales: Mk2 and decided I would make the comic once a week. But since they were such crap, I decided this wasn't fair, so what did I do. I posted 8 strips a weekend. One for each of my 8 comics. Now, you must be wondering, what were those 8 comics? Well, for our first pictures, I have the avatars for each one!
A comic featuring a current BlockTales like stroyline. The main character (as shown here) is an 'Angster. My pre-teen word for someone with angst.
A rip off of The Adventures of the S-Team. What was I thinking? Shown here is Tommy Quantum, your typical flying brick.
A rip-off of Legostar Galactica that had a rather promising story. Pictured here is the ships captain, a Space Knight.
Your typical Dungeons & Dragons, Lord of the Rings, general Fantasy comic. In hindsight - a rip-off of Glomshire Knights.
Harry Hill's BlockTales Review
Harry Hill reviews the last week of BlockTales by talking to the cast and crew. A rip-off of Late Night with Boba Fett.
Jar Jar Binks' Die-o-rama
Every week, Jar Jar Binks dies in a good way! The first section of BlockTales.
For all those miscellaneous Tales that weren't good enough to get their own section.
Guest Strips. Every week. Good luck with that mate.
So, that's it for this issue. See you soon.